I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
