i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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