Taylor Swift is so right about you.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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