I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
