There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Randomize
