The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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