Taylor Swift is so right about you.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
I take back everything I said about communal showers
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Randomize
