I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Randomize
