If i could tip my vagina, i would.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
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