Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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