My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
