Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
