We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
