My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Randomize
