This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize