i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Randomize
