My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
