i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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