I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
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