You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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