I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
