i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Send help, water and tortillas.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
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