I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
