I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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