bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
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