So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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