soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
