I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Randomize
