Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
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