i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
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