My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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