Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize
