No awkward lesbian experiences without me
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
