Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Randomize
