Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
Randomize
