haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Randomize
