She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Randomize
