I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
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