My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Randomize
