I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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