She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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