here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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