sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
The uberlube is also flammable
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra