i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
