just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
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