This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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