Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Damn victory sex feels great
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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