you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Randomize
