Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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