if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
