Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
