I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
