drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
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