Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
