My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Randomize
