Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
We were destined to go to rehab together
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
please don't ironically join a cult
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